“My baby’s not a dickhead” and other truths…

Yes I know, this blog theme has been done to death.  However this post is not meant to be ‘advice’ for others, more advice for myself if I could go back in time (and maybe what I might tell my daughters when they are all grown up and making me a nanny).  So here we go: “Eight things I wish I knew about having a baby before I had one.”

  1. You will become some kind of one-handed super-being. Some of the things you will accomplish one-handed are: eating, making a cup of tea, tidying up, washing up, cooking dinner and going to the toilet. Yes, you will pee with a baby sitting on your lap, do not be ashamed.
  1. You will blame all your baby’s bad moods on teething or the fact they are tired. This is to curb the embarrassment you feel when your baby screams in horror in a friends/family members face and you don’t want them to think your baby is a dickhead.
  1. You and your partner will have an on-going argument about who is the most tired. FYI men, it’s not you. Until you know what it feels like to push an entire human out your vag, have the same one suck your nipples eight times a day and then have it scream all night then you are not entitled to an opinion on ‘tiredness’. Your full-time IT job does not cut it.
  1. You will stay up late after the kids have gone to bed even though you are exhausted. This is to experience the Holy Grail that is “me time.”
  1. You will spend hundreds of pounds on plastic, colourful, noisy ‘learning toys’ which you will be convinced will turn your baby into a genius. Your baby will only want to play with your keys.
  1. When you finally get your baby off to sleep, you will place them in the cot at the speed of an elderly snail, creep away from the cot using large strides and dramatic arm movements while avoiding every creak in the floor, close the door with the precision of a ninja master, then high-five yourself…. You earned this.
  1. While you breastfeed, your baby will use its wandering hand to put their tiny fingers up your nose, scratch your chest with their wolverine nails, pinch your upper arm, fish-hook your lip and pull your hair. It’s real fun.
  1. You will love your baby so much that when you look at them your heart will swell and feel like its too big for your chest. This love will make you want to cry…and scream…and eat your baby. Everything that used to seem so vitally important will become completely insignificant to you now.

And it’s absolutely bloody wonderful.

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